Humor and Jokes

Begin forwarded message:

 

 

Subject: Fw: Some more funnies

Date: March 17, 2023 at 9:55:25 AM EDT

 

 

 

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
— Rodney Dangerfield

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”
— Mitch Hedberg

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
— Rita Rudner

I saw a bank that said “24-hour banking,” but I don’t have that much time.
— Steven Wright

My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Until the accident.
— Jimmy Carr

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
— Paula Poundstone

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.
— Graham Norton

If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
— Demetri Martin

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
— Sara Pascoe

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.
— Jim Gaffigan

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them.
— Norm MacDonald

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
— Wendy Liebman

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
— Joan Rivers

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel 10 years older already.
— Milton Berle

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
— Groucho Marx