Humor and Jokes

Subject: ENJOY THESE "TRUISMS" regarding maturity

rityThose of you who are approaching maturity may be able to relate:

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to
keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with
flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children —
just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed.
We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech
support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite
apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be
ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the
"Jim.” I feel so much better saying, “I went to the Jim this morning.”

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to
transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?


THE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS……

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop ticking you off.

Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that
needs work.

"On time" is when you get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.